Faking It
I often struggle with the idea that my relationship with God is not real. It’s not me thinking that God isn’t real, it’s just me.
Am I just going through the motions pretending to be in love with Jesus, or is there something truly there? I don’t, for a second, think that Jesus doesn’t love me. Not for the smallest moment do I question God’s love for me. He has proven Himself to me time and again.
But is my love and devotion to Him real? Or am I just faking it? There are days when I feel overwhelmed by His presence, but then others when I don’t sense Him at all. There are days when I can’t stop talking to Him, and then days go by where I don’t speak with Him at all.
I read my Bible and hear His Words every day. I find myself constantly in prayer, and I even set aside special times to spend alone with Him. I worship with other believers, I fellowship with the body of Christ, and I serve others as often as I am able.
I share the gospel to friends and coworkers, always prepared to give an answer for the hope that I have
But is this all just an unconscious effort on my part to belong? Are my actions just my own efforts in wanting to have a relationship with Jesus? Or is there really something there after all? There are just some days when it feels deep, meaningful and real. But there are also days when I feel disconnected—not alone, but unplugged—enough to make me wonder if this is just an exercise in futility.
It’s comical to even have these concerns. This is not insecurity, mind you, because I know who I am, and I know where I come from and where I’m going. It’s just that I sometimes feel like I’m wearing a mask or a suit. My Jesus suit.
Did I remember to put it on today? Or did it get too much “me” on it, and it needs extra time in the wash? And am I just a bit concerned that the real me is going to leak through my Jesus suit when I am wearing it? And if I don’t put it on, should I even dare go out in public?
This is all silly, I know. I know that His Spirit dwells within me, and that the real me is constantly at war with who He is working to make me become; who I want to become. Perhaps it is this ongoing struggle that frustrates me so, and is something continually at work within me to make my relationship with Him seem invalid.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
Romans 7:24-25
It’s just so hard sometimes, not having Jesus physically here to hang out with, or to have Him put His arms around me, or just take a walk together . . . Is that it? Would having Him be here physically magically change all that’s going on inside of me? Would it somehow remove the conflict I experience inside? Or would His presence only allow me to speak face to face with Him? Would anything really be changed by His physical presence in my life? In writing this, it would seem clear that—as amazing as such a moment would be—it wouldn’t really change anything at all!
I’d still be me, and I’d still have all the cares, concerns, relationships and responsibilities I have now. And having Jesus be here physically would mean our relationship would be constrained to only those moments we spent physically together. Instead, by allowing Him to remain unseen with His Spirit within me, our relationship is not bound by circumstance and convenience. It can truly transcend my schedule and situation.
In this way, I can indeed listen to His words every time I open my Bible. I can indeed speak to Him at any moment of the day, and meet with Him personally at any rendezvous of my choosing. I can worship Him alone at the top of a mountain, and I can worship Him together with a cacophony of believers who can sing better and cheer louder than I ever could. I see that our relationship is not stifled by where I am, who I’m with, or what I’m doing. Our relationship is much bigger than that.
I guess I just wish I had greater power to keep the things of this world at bay. For I realize it is the things of this life, the prince of this world, who is constantly putting things between me and my God. It is this world’s restless effort at keeping us apart, but one that really pales in comparison to my Jesus’ relentless pursuit of my affection.
I want to love God with all of my heart, mind, soul and strength. I want Him to accept every gift I offer, because I want Him to see that my heart longs for His, and that I want to live out every dream He has for me. But even knowing how much I am adored by Him, knowing how unending His love is for me, that lingering thought from my old life tells me that I’m not “doing” enough, or that I’m doing it wrong! And that I am a faker . . . a charlatan who is only pretending to be a Christian on the outside. Even though I know that I am living my life for Him, and that everything I do is steered towards loving Him and loving my neighbor
But then I recall the old adage, “fake it till you make it,” and figure I’ll just keep going through the motions until I get there. If I’ve been faking it for the last twenty-five years, I’ll just have to keep faking it for the next twenty-five!
I guess I’ll just have to keep reading my Bible, praying, remaining in fellowship with other believers, sharing the gospel, practicing the fruits of the Spirit (or at least pretending to), and giving generously. I’ll continue to try to live like Jesus, and allow Him to continue changing me from the inside out. My actions either demonstrate that I do have a real relationship with Jesus, or they demonstrate my desire to have a real relationship with Him. In either case, I know that my life serves as a living sacrifice, and I am confident that it is pleasing to Him, one way or the other.
All said and done, I wouldn’t trade what I have for anything. I struggle with such things because it matters to me. If I didn’t struggle, it would be because I didn’t care. If I didn’t struggle, it would be because I have given up. Instead, I will continue to fight the good fight of my faith, not taking it for granted, never resting complacently in my hope, instead allowing that hope to drive me forward.
Did the apostles ever question their faith or commitment to Jesus? Were they willing to endure violent deaths for something for which they were only half-hearted? Of course not! Even in their darkest days—when they, too, wondered if what they had with Jesus was still real—they continued to press on, even faking it when they didn’t feel like it. Even unto death.
How much more can I, who has heard their testimony—who has learned and knows the truth of all they questioned and yet endured—pursue the prize of everlasting life, and the privilege of knowing Jesus. Even if I had the ability to keep myself from wanting to be like Him, I know He would never stop showing up in my life and reminding me of His love for me.
That’s just the way He is. He is not a faker. He is my Maker. And He is my Way, my Truth, and my Life. And there is no way worth going apart from Him. So I will keep on faking it when I’m not feeling it. Because I refuse to live according to how I feel, but rather according to what I know.
